Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

I am not updating at 12 weeks pregnant, nor am I pregnant at all.  

For the most part, this cycle and every other one I have been through thus far sucks.  I am so disappointed in this process.  I just don't understand how it is failing us month after month.  I am 11dpo at this time and while some say it is still early, I know me, I know my body and I know my cycles.  I am 95% certain that this cycle has failed too.  If that 5% gets me this time, and I am pregnant, I wouldn't care about making myself publicly look like an ass, I'd be ecstatic that I was wrong. 

There comes a time when you just give up and you don't get excited.  I got what it appeared to be a BFP at 8dpo and I was ecstatic.  I sent the picture to a few of my friends that had requested an update without a caption or message.  I got a lot of "OMG is that a line I see?" and it was, but apparently it was a false positive or an evap because the next two days I got nothing, then today I thought I saw something. 

Case in point...Test from 8po

 

Here is the one from this morning at 11dpo and I know I see something but its not getting darker.  What a horrible joke mother nature plays with us.

Seeing these tests (negative or falsely positive) cycle after cycle is damaging on one's soul.  I will not try to minimize the pain an IM feels when she is infertile.  The ache I am feeling can't even compare to that.  We have only had 5 failed cycles and there is still hope for us, but sometimes you have to ask when enough is enough.  When is too financially and emotionally taxing to continue on with a journey that seems doomed? 

I take a test, see its negative immediately, then I keep checking it all day hoping I will see that it has changed or that I must have missed the line that was there earlier.  I am making myself crazy trying to see things that arent there.. willing them to appear.  And I have the easy job.  I really want this for S&F, but if I don't get pregnant, this won't change the rest of my life in the way not having a child is going to change theirs.  Sure I would have life long friends if I did get pregnant with their baby, but I am sure I will have that even if I don't get pregnant.  If we don't get pregnant, their whole life plan changes.  The house they are having built will remain a quiet empty house.  This might be hard on me physically, but physical pain is easier to deal with than raw emotional heart break. 

After talking today, we have decided that if this cycle does not work (which none of us have very high hope in it working) then we will still do 2 more cycles.  I don't know if I am ready to put a number of cycles on their dream of forever.  I have offered to do IVF but they know how I felt about putting so many drugs into my body when we want to have more children of our own in the future.  They graciously declined.  Two more cycles until fate forever declares itself.

On a side note, we are waiting for the worst of Irene to come.  We have flooding on base and power outages at both ends of the base but so far not us.  The Potomac River is about 3 blocks from us and this has been a bit of a flood zone in the past so we are hoping that the river bank stays where it belongs!! 

An anxiously awaited update!

At the request of some very lovely (and a little stalkerish!) friends, I am updating my blog.

Well the last time I posted, we had just had a follicle check.  2 days later, we had an IUI and everything was favorable, yet we still didn't get pregnant.  Devastation for all parties involved is putting it lightly.

We picked ourselves back up and dusted ourselves off and got ready for round 5.  I went in for my baseline ultrasound only to find 3 large cysts (40mm, 30mm and I didn't find out the size of the last one).  During a call to one of my IFs, the fertility specialist told him that I am the perfect candidate for surrogacy (as I respond well to meds and also everything else is favorable).  He also advised that we take a month off with me on birth control because if we continue with a medicated cycle, it could cause my fallopian tube to twist and cut off blood circulation to my ovary and thus could cause long term issues with my own fertility down the road.

Taking a step back from surrogacy is exactly what we needed to regroup.  During that month my IFs and I didn't talk that much.  I felt like my own body was betraying me.  4 cycles with lots of follicles and I couldn't get pregnant?

We have a new plan, we are going back to femara--I just can't do another cycle on Clomid.  We will still use HCG trigger but thankfully, I won't be putting my family through the horrific mood swings and hot flashes again.  I am so glad the guys listen to what I have to say and take into consideration everything and not just their own hopes and dreams.

Here is to another cycle-- hopefully for us, the 5th time is the charm!  We are waiting for Aunt Flo, then we can go in and get another ultrasound to see that the cysts have (hopefully) vanished.  After that I will be getting a HSG to clean out my pipes and increase the chance of pregnancy being achieved, followed by a follicle check, trigger shot, IUI and finally a positive pregnancy test!!!  AF should be here any day now as I finished my BC pills last Tuesday (or was it Wednesday?)  Needless to say, you should start your cycle within a week and it is perfect timing as this weekend is the big moving date!!

I probably wont update until I am about 12 weeks pregnant because I am moving on Friday/Saturday onto base.  We put our house on the market and within 10 days, it was sold for more than our asking price.  I have been packing for about 8 weeks straight.  First it started with getting ready for a large yardsale, then decluttering and depersonalizing our home, followed by packing non-essentials, its been a huge process.  I can't wait to finally move!  Also my computer had to be sent back to Dell because it is a big ole POS, so I haven't touched the thing because every time I would get on it, it would crash, then I would call Dell for me to sit on the phone for 3 hours to have them tell me that they needed to replace the hard drive (for the 4th time!) or various other reasons... so there, now you know why I haven't updated....

Moving, deflation, dell, and now a teething drooling feverish baby!!

Wish us luck-- I know the guys are just bursting at the seams to be able to hold their own baby and we are doing everything we can to deliver their dreams!

PS something positive that came out of this-- I had put on 30 lbs through cycling in 4 months!! That is ASTOUNDING!  I am back down 20 lbs, still have 10 more to go, but taking a cycle off has allowed me to get closer to my 'normal' weight.  Happy to see the 150's again, but I will be even happier when I see the 140's!!

A little reflection and a lot of hormones!

Today was the day that we made the trip up to DC for my follicle check.  We left promptly at 7:30am, stopped by Starbucks for a <decaf> treat and continued our way to 66.  Not long after we got onto 66 East, traffic began to slow.  I got a little irritated knowing that the GPS said we would get to the doctors appointment only 5 minutes early.  There were many motorcycles on the interstate heading to the 'Rolling Thunder' up at the Pentagon.  Its a demonstration where thousands (literally thousands!) of motorcycles ride from the pentagon to various different locations around the DC area to pay respect to fallen heroes and also to the current heroes serving our country.  Seeing the motorcycles riding together with American flags is moving.  What got me was as we drove to the first overpass, there were about 10 people standing on it waving American flags at the vets riding their motorcycles.  I was shocked and moved nearly to tears.  As we came up on the next overpass, cars once again slowed down and there were about 10 people on that overpass, again showing their patriotism and appreciation.  Next we came up to a rest stop where a woman stood by her car wearing a NAVY t-shirt proudly.  Her car was draped with a huge American flag.  Seeing people come out on a Sunday afternoon to pay tribute to men and women like my husband makes me teary eyed.  Another overpass had about 25 people on it. 

I know it seems silly and insignificant for most people, but this is my life.  Seeing people pay respect to not just my husband, but people in the past, the spouses of these heroes, past and present.  The sacrifices the families give and the sacrifices the military members give.  Thinking about this and how Memorial Day means something different to me now that I have Kurt makes me appreciate those who recognize what he does.  He may not be deployed right now, but he is supporting those that are deployed by doing his work here state-side.  He is sacrificing family time by doing the best he can at work so that the Marines that count on him are getting his best work. 

Here are some pictures that I found that highlight what Memorial Day is about....

And if you have 10 minutes of your life to dedicate to a video, this is one that everyone should watch.  There are thousands of them like this on youtube, but everyone is the same, a life ended too short.  If you hear of a hero returning home near you, go out, spend that hour of your life paying tribute to this hero.  It will mean the world to their family that we have not forgotten!!

A Fallen Hero's Final Trip Home

So those who have read this far and want a surrogacy update, today we saw 4 mature follicles and about 6 smaller follicles.  (2- 20mm, 1-19mm, 1-18mm and about 6 14-16mm follicles)  I have to trigger tonight at 11 which is killing me because I am past my prime!!  I am so ready for bed after shopping all day!  Trigger tonight, IUI on Tuesday at 11am.

This month has been extremely hard on me and my family, especially  my kids.  Clomid has turned me into a monster!  This past week my kids could do nothing right, I was losing patience fast and I couldn't help it!!  I also have hot flashes that wake me up at night where I have a fan blowing on me and no covers on.  Headaches have been awful.  I am just ready for this part of the hormones to be gone!!  I cannot do another clomid cycle so this is it, number 4 must work or we are going to have to regroup and come up with a back up plan!!  I owe my family so much for putting up with me this week.  If I have to be on clomid again, S&F will have to send me somewhere for a week!!! 

Off to shower, stay awake for another hour to do my shot and then to bed!!  We need all of the luck in the world.

And to the two girls I know that are my cycle buddies for their own pregnancy, I AM ROOTING YOU ON!!!  I cant wait to be pregnant with you both!!!  You both are so deserving and I cannot wait until Wednesday for A to test, and Tuesday for the other A to have your IUI!!!  Best of luck and Cheers!!

Would I do it again?

Acne on parts of my body that I haven't seen since my teenage years.

Saying so long to the 140's on the scale (I have packed on 19 lbs since the first cycle)

Mood swings, hot flashes, shots in my belly, sickness that mimics morning sickness

AF starting when I KNOW this cycle will work, positive tests, surely this worked right?

Would I do it all again?  In a heartbeat, and I will... now, in fact we are on the way.... 

Cycle 4 is off to a start.  We are using the same meds, but changing things up a little bit.  The doctor wants me to do a HSG but we are trying to get the logistics of that worked out.  It is deflating having another failed cycle, but we cant ride the horse without getting back in the saddle.  Looking at the horse will do no good.  Eventually, the odds will be in our favor.  Ultrasound today showed no cysts from the Clomid (thankfully!!)  and it looks like a follicle check on Sunday and IUI on Monday. 

I will try to update more often, especially when pregnant, but I just don't like updating mid cycle with testing since the tests are so unreliable with the HCG trigger.  In fact this month, I plan not to test until I have missed AF.  I have so many pictures from the last cycle, but since it was failed, I will spare everyone the pictures of the 50ish tests I used since it won't do any good now!!!

Thanks for all of the support and well wishes. 

Everyone say HI to S&F...

They are top secret spies so we are not able to identify them. They read here but they cant come out of lurkdom unless they have some kind of super cool superhero user name.  I think they are still pondering what kind of name they could use... Any suggestions?!

Today is a better day for me.  Yesterday Leah's daddy was laid to rest and I went to the service.  I also took Leah over to her grandmothers house for several hours and luckily our whole family (Kurt included) was received warmly.  I just hope that through this tragedy, we can find the most positive light and mend the rift between our families.

Onto more positive notes-- Today I went in for a follicle check.  We had 1 mature follicle (19mm) and two that were a tad bit immature (18mm and 17mm respectively) and many more that were too small.  Tomorrow I give myself an HCG injection and Wednesday evening we are doing the IUI.

Wish us luck because third time will be a charm!!

Bittersweet

I've been meaning to come back and update since last week but I have struggled with the words to say.  For those who are coming to read a quick update on surrogacy,  Cycle 2 was a bust unfortunately.  For those of you that want to continue reading, here goes...

Last Thursday after a particularly trying week, I got a phone call at 8:45pm from my daughter's grandmother.  She called our house phone so I knew it was an emergency.  She said that Dan (her son, Leah's father and my ex-husband) had been in a car accident and that she needed to go to UVA as soon as possible.  I met her there that night to pick up Leah to bring her back to my house.  I truly didn't know his condition at that point.  On the drive home, I began looking up the local news papers where I found this article:
http://www2.newsvirginian.com/news/w...ted-ar-988643/

After a long and defeating week, he sadly passed on Thursday.

I call this post bittersweet because with such sadness, I am facing raising my daughter without her father.  She has an amazing step-father (my husband Kurt) but even with everything we do, we will never be able to replace that void in her heart.  Also what I didn't realize is that I would feel guilt and remorse myself.  When I first learned of the severity of the injuries, I cried.  At the time I thought I cried for Leah and his family, his new girlfriend, but after a lot of reflecting, I learned I was crying for my own grief.  Having such mixed emotions during this week has been leaving a heavy feeling in my heart.  I am not family and I am not a friend, I somehow lie somewhere in between and being who I am to his family.  I feel like the elephant in the room 'Why is she crying?  She didn't care for him or else she wouldn't have divorced him.'  But the truth is I cared for him as a father, as a son, as a brother.  These last few years have been turbulent between us and now I ask myself 'Did you have to be so mean?  Did that one little thing really mean that much to you?'  I could have sought out to have a better relationship with the man that was helping to rais my child.  I won't live with regret, but right now, I am playing back circumstances in my head and questioning how I would do them different now.  Those who tell me not to regret the things I did, I can't do that for you.  To regret is to be human.  To make a difference in the future is the best gift I can give myself from such a tragedy.  I have learned so many things this week, about myself, my feelings, how strong my marriage is and many other life's lessons that I wish I learned under other circumstances.

With that heavy stuff being said, here is the rest of my surrogacy update:
Last Tuesday I met with Dr. Garcia whom I like very much.  He apologized profusely for me coming 120 miles the week before and for him to get caught up in an emergency at the hospital leaving him unable to see me.  I had a baseline ultrasound done and we discussed our options.  I have just finished Clomid on CD 4-8.  Today is CD 9 and Monday I will go in for a follicle check to see the progress of the clomid.  At that time, we will decide when the HCG trigger shot will be administered.    The sweet part about this post is that through all of this S&F have remained by my side.  Even though I had a failed cycle, they were so supportive of what I was going through rather than focusing on their own grief of having another failed cycle.  They did not even ask me if I was willing on cycling again this month even though they knew that our timeline was quickly disappearing.  I finally came to them the day before I needed to be at the doctor and told them I wanted to move on with this cycle.  I needed something positive to focus on.  Even though some may think that having a loss may not be a good environment for conceiving a baby, I felt that one day, I would want to look fondly back on this week rather than seeing it as being grim.

When one life is lost, another is created.

Things that are necessary when testing for pregnancy

This especially holds true when it comes to surrogacy.

First, you can never have too many tests.  This is a cardinal rule and no matter what, this rule is true.  It cannot be contested. You also cannot have all of the same brand, you need variety.  Variety is a key of life.

 Case in point-- Exhibit A-- 63 pregnancy tests (after 2 cycles of testing, this is all I have left *sob*)

It is best to order them from online because the poor CVS clerk will be confused when you come up with 12 different brands.  She will think to herself "If she would just get the digitals, she wouldn't have any confusions as to whether or not she is pregnant."  Then you whip the 2 boxes of digitals out of your back pocket.  After all, you came in for ONE brand of tests, but came out with 12, you ran out of room in your arms because you didnt grab a cart or basket.  You realize that you have just spent your first month of comp on pregnancy tests and you cant even count on that comp yet because you don't know if you are pregnant.  In your mind, you must come up with a great excuse for your husband who would never understand the need to pee on a stick like we do.  This is the same husband that even if the line is smacking him in the face, he still doesn't see it.  They made digital tests for husbands which is why you had to buy 2 boxes (for the IFs and for the husbands to finally believe that you are in fact pregnant!)

If you don't have enough hcg tests, you can use OPKs in a pinch.  I make sure I always have 50+ of those on hand just in case.  OPKs should only be reserved for very early peeing when you don't want to waste an HCG test when there is no chance it could be positive, or when it is very late and you have run out of HCG tests and you just want to see that second line on something.  Beside, if you are having positive pregnancy tests, you don't have the need for opks anymore anyway!

Exhibit B -  OPK tests

Now comes the fun part-- The testing.... Here is exhibits 1 through however many tests I have used this cycle.  (I am not continuing with letters since I don't actually want to count these)

Uncharted territory-- No way should I be testing this early-- Had to get it out of my system.

Use the cheap ones first-- When there is no chance you would get a +

Could possibly get a positive test at 8dpIUI, break out Mr. Sensitive

Try, try again.

Don't get discouraged.  I have seen later positives than this!

Sometimes you have to do 2 (or 3!) a day.

It's still early.  (That is what my pee pushing friends tell me, see more about them later)

An IF added a comment that I am thorough after posting pee-sticks from last cycle.  Crazy is more like it.

Always use first morning urine....

and every other urine of the day as well.  Don't waste any pee!!!

I think I see something?  Am I crazy?  I think my eyes are trained to see lines even when they are not there.

But for good measures, I pee in a cup and use two tests at the same time.

Exhibit C--   A good flashlight is useful for early positives.  With light shining through the tests, you can see lines beginning.  If you don't have access to a flashlight, fake a fall and go to the hospital where they have the x-ray film lights on the wall.  Cut that bad boy on and put your test up to the bright light.  That should do in a pinch.  I guess you could put it up against a window where bright light is shining through, but we are looking for drama here!

Exhibit D--  A good scanner is a must.  You must be able to scan tests that you cannot get pictures of.  Also is good for inverting pictures to be able to see the line more clearly.

Exhibit E--  When you are doubtful about whether or not your cycle has failed, go out and buy a TON of feminine products.  When you plan to need them, it is the month that you won't need them and have wasted a ton of money on products you won't be using for a year.

Other necessary items include a cell phone to take crappy pictures that no one will be able to see the lines on.  You also must have very insistent friends that push sticks on you.  They might even buy them for you and send them to your house so they can live vicariously through you.  Lastly, ditch the friends that say they can see something in your picture.  You know if you take a picture on a cell phone, no one can see anything except the control line.  If you can see the line clearly on a cell phone picture, then and only then is it safe to tell your IPs about the positive test!!! 

I hope everyone feels a little more educated about the POAS process.  If you have any specific questions, feel free to post a comment!!!