Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

I am not updating at 12 weeks pregnant, nor am I pregnant at all.  

For the most part, this cycle and every other one I have been through thus far sucks.  I am so disappointed in this process.  I just don't understand how it is failing us month after month.  I am 11dpo at this time and while some say it is still early, I know me, I know my body and I know my cycles.  I am 95% certain that this cycle has failed too.  If that 5% gets me this time, and I am pregnant, I wouldn't care about making myself publicly look like an ass, I'd be ecstatic that I was wrong. 

There comes a time when you just give up and you don't get excited.  I got what it appeared to be a BFP at 8dpo and I was ecstatic.  I sent the picture to a few of my friends that had requested an update without a caption or message.  I got a lot of "OMG is that a line I see?" and it was, but apparently it was a false positive or an evap because the next two days I got nothing, then today I thought I saw something. 

Case in point...Test from 8po

 

Here is the one from this morning at 11dpo and I know I see something but its not getting darker.  What a horrible joke mother nature plays with us.

Seeing these tests (negative or falsely positive) cycle after cycle is damaging on one's soul.  I will not try to minimize the pain an IM feels when she is infertile.  The ache I am feeling can't even compare to that.  We have only had 5 failed cycles and there is still hope for us, but sometimes you have to ask when enough is enough.  When is too financially and emotionally taxing to continue on with a journey that seems doomed? 

I take a test, see its negative immediately, then I keep checking it all day hoping I will see that it has changed or that I must have missed the line that was there earlier.  I am making myself crazy trying to see things that arent there.. willing them to appear.  And I have the easy job.  I really want this for S&F, but if I don't get pregnant, this won't change the rest of my life in the way not having a child is going to change theirs.  Sure I would have life long friends if I did get pregnant with their baby, but I am sure I will have that even if I don't get pregnant.  If we don't get pregnant, their whole life plan changes.  The house they are having built will remain a quiet empty house.  This might be hard on me physically, but physical pain is easier to deal with than raw emotional heart break. 

After talking today, we have decided that if this cycle does not work (which none of us have very high hope in it working) then we will still do 2 more cycles.  I don't know if I am ready to put a number of cycles on their dream of forever.  I have offered to do IVF but they know how I felt about putting so many drugs into my body when we want to have more children of our own in the future.  They graciously declined.  Two more cycles until fate forever declares itself.

On a side note, we are waiting for the worst of Irene to come.  We have flooding on base and power outages at both ends of the base but so far not us.  The Potomac River is about 3 blocks from us and this has been a bit of a flood zone in the past so we are hoping that the river bank stays where it belongs!!